Last Saturday was my son’s last tee ball game, this season. As is the case in tee ball, young kids make lots of mistakes and young, well-meaning parents like to give lots of advice to their 5-year old sons and daughters. At one point in the game, a ground ball rolled through one little boy’s legs, and several parents shouted, “Come on – you have to catch the ball.”
“Well,” I thought to myself, “That’s exactly what he wanted to do!” This little boy needed to be told:
- Keep your glove down
- Put your free hand on top of your glove
- Spread your feet
- Bend your knees
- And, by the way, nice try!
I feel the same way when someone tells me to just “stay positive.” Being optimistic does not come naturally for a great deal of people (including me!). I’m a born pessimist. For the last couple of years, I have practiced several specific techniques to beat back my natural inclination to be pessimistic. The following three exercises have helped me develop what Dr. Martin Seligman refers to as a “flexible optimism” to help me cope with life’s adversities.
- ABCDE: An oldie but a goodie! Dr. Seligman writes about this in Learned Optimism and it may not be new to many of you, but it has become a trusted friend to me. Check out an older post of mine that explains this in detail. Or, try the Control Negative Thoughts exercise on happier.com.
- Put It In Perspective: This is a simple exercise that I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor. If you are the type of person who overreacts to adversity, this exercise is for you. When something bad happens and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to write down the following. First, articulate the worst case scenario – indulge your pessimism, for a moment. Then, jot down the best case scenario. Be a little silly. For instance, if you find out that you did not get the job that you really wanted, you might write down that you start your own company, become independently wealthy, and give lectures about your successful career for a living! This is not meant to be seen as a realistic scenario. Introducing a little humor opens your mind to other possibilities. Next, write down the most realistic outcomes of the adversity and try to problem solve for the most likely outcomes.
- An Optimism Journal: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, shares that people who write about an optimistic future for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days were “more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods, to be happier several weeks later, and even to report fewer physical ailments several months hence.”
So, the next time someone close to you is having a bad day, try to avoid saying, “Just be positive” and give some specific advice. You just might be talking to a pessimist.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
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On behalf of Drexel University’s Business of Ambition: Co-Curricular Activities, Programs & Services, Kamina Richardson, Program Manager and co-sponsor happier.com invite you to attend:
“Staying Resilient: Why Happiness is Important in Business”
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Wednesday, October 14th
Antoinette Westphal College of Media Arts & Design
Nesbitt Hall, Ruth Auditorium
33nd and Market Streets
Philadelphia, PA 19104
5 – 6 p.m. Panel Discussion
6-7 p.m. Reception
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When the growth is stagnant and people are losing jobs, why should we care about happiness? What impact does employee happiness have on productivity and engagement, and how do we teach people to be more resilient in the face of adversity? What works for increasing employee happiness?
Leaders in the fields of management, consulting and psychology provide perspectives on staying resilient during tough times: why happiness is important for business. Learn what Merrill Lynch and the U.S. Army are already doing to increase happiness and resilience and hear about the latest findings in the science of happiness.
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Panel Speakers:
Professor Diana Sandberg is an instructor for the Finance Department at LeBow College of Business. She is an expert in Risk Management.
Scott Asalone is partner and co-founder of ASGMC. He co-founded the firm to inspire and guide people in business to be their very best, through the use of his motivational speaking skills and management development expertise. Scott has a Masters Degree in Applied Positive Psychology from the University of Pennsylvania. He is an affiliate of the American Psychological Association and a member of the International Positive Psychology Association. He is certified in Myers-Briggs Personality Inventory, Firo-B, and Dimensional Management techniques.
Karen Reivich, Ph.D. is co-author of The Resilience Factor and of the best-selling The Optimistic Child. Dr. Reivich is a Research Associate at the University of Pennsylvania’s Department of Psychology, and is also the co-director of the Penn Resiliency Project and an instructor in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology program in which she teaches a course on Positive Psychology and Individuals.
Adam M. Grant, Ph.D. is an award-winning researcher and Associate Professor of Management at The Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania. Dr. Grant’s research focuses on work motivation, job design, pro-social helping and giving behaviors, initiative and proactive behaviors, and employee well-being.
To register: http://www.lebow.drexel.edu/Event/2528 or contact Kamina Richardson 215-571-3568 for additional information.
Media contacts: Christa Guidi, Cashman & Associates, 215.627.1060, cguidi@cashmanandassociates.com or Courtney Sochacki, Cashman & Associates, 215.627.1060, courtney@cashmanandassociates.com
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”
As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”
Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”
For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.
If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.
One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:
- What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
- Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
- Can I obtain these?
- What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
- What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?
So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Entrepreneurs are a hearty bunch. They’re known for persevering when others give up. But there’s a difference between realistic optimism and stubbornly hitting your head against the wall hoping something will change.
Inc: The Magazine for Growing Companies combed through 30 years of stories to find the ones that best illustrate an entrepreneur overcoming an obstacle where others would have given up. And, from zappos.com to the 1993 Dallas Cowboys Superbowl victory, many of the results are now taken for granted. All 30 stories are profiled online. And to read some unknown stories of resilience, from users of happier.com, visit the Community section, where you can even contribute your own story.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
When I first moved to the the DC area in the mid-1990’s, it took me a couple of months to find a job. One summer day, I got a call saying that I had been offered a training specialist position. I was overjoyed. This was a completely new career for me and I looked upon it as a major achievement after countless interviews and applications.
About three months after starting the job, however, I was laid off as the business was downsizing. I was devastated and had trouble thinking straight for a couple of days. How was I going to find something, again, with so little experience? How was I going to pay the bills? These and many more questions kept running through my mind. I did find another job, of course, but it was a very difficult time.
Looking back on my reaction, I probably would have been better served by focusing on action. That is, my goal was to find another job, so my energy would have been more productively spent updating my resume, building contacts, applying for jobs, etc. By keeping it in perspective and focusing on solutions I am also convinced I would have felt much better.
And, the research shows that some people will actually grow from this type of experience and be stronger as a result. In fact, I would venture to say that if we all looked back on many of our own adversities, we would recognize that as one door closed, eventually, another one opened.
In my own case, I was able to land a position with an up-and-coming wireless telecom company that ended up being a spring board for my entire career. In fact, I probably would not have been looking for this particular job had I not been laid off. As I look at the other adversities that I have faced in sports, business, and my personal life, I realize that I actually did benefit from each bad event. I learned specific lessons that will help me for the rest of my life.
And, while this knowledge does not prevent future adversities from happening, I know that I am stronger and more resilient as a result. I know that (as my Winston Churchil and my Dad) have said, “This, too, shall pass.”
So, the next time an adversity hits, do your best to keep it in perspective and recognize that there may actually be an opportunity for growth waiting for you at the other end.
In the meantime, learn from your past adversities through our What Door Opened? exercise or take a minute to read some great stories of resilience in our Community section.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
