Answer: Every time I teach Active and Constructive Responding to a group, at least one person expresses the concern that their efforts using this exercise will be perceived by others as fake or uncharacteristic of them. People particularly get hung up on what it means to “display genuine interest,” and whether that requires them to act “perky” or “upbeat” when that may not be their natural demeanor. Here are the three things I say in response:
1. You’d be surprised how responsive people are to behaviors that are pleasant, even if they are atypical of the person doing them. Just because you’ve never done something before doesn’t mean that other people won’t be happy to see you do it.
2. It is normal to feel a bit uncomfortable when trying out something new – give it a try anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?
3. You don’t have to become a different person, or adopt a different demeanor, to display interest. Just ask a lot of questions! The more you prolong a conversation, the more obvious it is that you are interested in the topic. This “counts” as being Active and Constructive just as much as squealing and jumping up and down does.
And here’s what Todd Kashdan has to say about putting these skills to place in the work environment:
Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks-Sheiner has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
If I am holding a grudge against someone, isn’t letting go of the grudge is the same as excusing the other person’s misbehavior?
A common misperception touted by grudge-holders far and wide is that grudges are somehow functional. Maybe they prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future, or they punish the other person for whatever transgression they have committed.
The reality couldn’t be farther from the truth: the only person a grudge punishes is you. The research suggests that holding a grudge has all sorts of negative effects on both your physical and emotional health. The transgressor, on the other hand, isn’t going to know either way whether or not you have forgiven her. In fact, sometimes, transgressors don’t even know you’re holding a grudge in the first place! The feeling that a grudge is something that exists between two people is an illusion – a grudge is an internal process, experienced only by you.
Furthermore, despite the old adage “forgive and forget,” forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting. There is a huge difference between forgetting a transgression and taking control of your feelings about that transgression! Nobody’s telling you to forget – only to let go of the bottled-up emotions you’re holding onto.
Despite whatever our intuitions might tell us, there is no evidence that holding a grudge is helpful. It’s harmful, and not to the transgressor – to you! Try out “Letting Go of Grudges” and see what happens. You have nothing to lose… except your grudge.
Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks-Sheiner has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
A typical exchange between my dad and I when I was growing up.
Me: “Dad, wanna play catch?”
Dad: “Sure.”
Then, my dad would get up out of “his” chair and roll me ground balls, pretend to be a catcher receiving my pitches from a make believe mound, or he would be a wide receiver on a made up football field moving his hands to different positions so that I could practice throwing the football to different targets. I don’t really remember if we talked much but I learned how to be present for my own kids.
I’m singling out my dad but both of my parents were ALWAYS there for us. Almost every night, we sat down for a family dinner. My mom would drop what she was doing to help with homework. My dad would watch the Yankees with me every night during the summer but he didn’t push back when I swore my allegiance to the Red Sox. I never felt unloved or that I couldn’t go to them with some big problem. When questionable circumstances presented themselves and I had a choice to go with the crowd or do the right thing, I almost always thought about how my parents would react if they found out. In the end, I chose wisely for most of my formative years.
Keep in mind that my parents were busy coaching sports, carting me and my sisters to various activities, and working long hours. But, they stopped what they were doing to talk to us, help us, or just be with us.
Flash forward 30 years and now we have wireless networks in our houses, Twitter, Facebook, Blackberries, iPhones, and way too many activities for our kids. We’re busier than ever but are we spending enough quality time with those we love? Is it quality time when we’re rushing from place to place with our kids and spouses? Are you truly present with someone else when you answer a question but your face is buried in your Blackberry?
The following are a couple of tips to improve and deepen the relationships you already have with those you care about the most:
Drop what you’re doing and give your full attention to those around you.
Avoid the temptation to answer your phone or read an email when talking with someone else.
When someone brings you good news, learn how to respond actively and constructively. Give them your full attention. Ask follow up questions and show genuine interest.
Shelly Gable’s research shows that how we discuss good events is is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight. It is also the basis for our Active & Constructive Responding exercise that teaches you how to respond to the good events of others and track your progress.
So, the next time your child says, “Wanna play catch?” or your significant other brings some good news to you, put down the iPod and be present.
It was a hot summer day, and I was just a little grumpy after a long day at work as I tried to get my two sons to come in for dinner. As I walked out of the garage, I saw baseball bats, basketballs, footballs, bicycles, and a skateboard, or two, littering the yard that I knew was going to make the day just a little more difficult. I called both boys to come help me clean up.
They were across the street in the yard of a neighbor, so I stopped what I was doing to watch them cross the street. Our four year-old looked both ways (much to my surprise) and then darted across to our yard. Just then, I heard a truck’s engine and yelled for our five year-old to stop. It was the FedEx guy making his last deliveries of the day. I continued to watch my son, now just a little more irritated by the delay caused by the truck. With a big smile on his face, he waved to the driver as the truck passed.
The innocence of that wave really touched me. But, it also made me think about Chris Peterson’s assertion in A Primer in Positive Psychology that “other people matter” when it comes to happiness. The research in positive psychology continues to reveal the fact that good relationships are a necessary condition for the highest levels of happiness.
In Happiness – Lessons from a New Science, economist Richard Layard writes that fewer and fewer Americans are joining community organizations such as church groups and charitable associations. As a society, we are more individualistic than ever. We watch TV, surf the internet, and send lots of text messages. We spend less and less time engaging friends, family members, and neighbors in real dialogue. And, this disconnectedness, in part, is driving up the rate of depression even though our standards of living are so high.
Now, as an introvert, connecting with others is not the easiest thing for me. Most nights, I look forward to a good book, a funny sitcom, or something that does not involve talking, too much. But, several years ago after lobbying my wife not to have friends over for dinner, I realized that I almost always had a good time. More importantly, I enjoyed the sense of connection to others. I know that my own happiness depends deeply on connecting with people and building positive relationships.
And, while the subject of building relationships is one for a much longer post, I think we can all take some small steps to connect to others.
Pick one day a week and shut off the TV and internet. Use the time to talk with your friends or family about their day or your plans for the future.
Join a community group. Don’t feel that you have to spend every minute of free time doing this. Start small and let it build, naturally.
Say, “Hi” to your neighbors.
Pick up the phone and call people back. Emails and text messages are not as engaging as a personal conversation.
So, while Americans have lots of ‘toys’ to keep us occupied and glorify the success of the individual, we also need to remember that other people matter.
