Dr. Martin Seligman said something recently that really spoke to me on a very personal level. At a conference in Philadelphia, he asked the audience, “What do you want for your kids?” He paused, then asked, “What do they teach your kids in school?” Dr. Seligman went on to say that when he asks this question he usually has parents who answer the first question with, “I want my kids to be happy” while the second question is met with some silence as we know that happiness and well being are not yet parts of the formal classwork, in most cases.
As a father of two little boys, I spent some time thinking about how I would go about helping my kids be happier. Last week, I wrote about teaching them the basics of gratitude, but gratitude is only one element of happiness. And, at their ages (four and five), they are not yet ready to use the exercises on happier.com or even the children’s version of the VIA Survey to identify their strengths. I wasn’t sure where to start…
I then recalled a conversation with Dr. Karen Reivich (one of the top researchers and practitioners in building optimism and resilience in kids) from several months ago. We were talking about my one son’s temperament and his propensity to get a little down on himself, at times. Because of his age, she mentioned that my best bet was to model the right behavior. Since the research shows a strong correlation between a parent’s optimism or pessimism and that of the child (whether it be a boy or a girl), this sounded like a great idea.
Now, when I play catch with my one son, I will intentionally drop a ball he throws and simply pick it up and throw it back. If we are drawing pictures, I make many mistakes (not all of them intentionally) and just erase them and start over. Occasionally, I ask him what I should do when something bad happens and he’ll answer, “Why don’t you try, again?” Slowly, but surely, I have seen a little bit of a positive change in his behavior after he makes mistakes. He is still very competitive and I don’t expect (or want) him to completely change, but I have seen a little improvement in a relatively short time period.
Just recently, we got a chance to see our favorite baseball team (the Boston Red Sox) play in person. My son’s favorite player struck out and I asked my son what the player should do next. He said, “He needs to try harder, next time.” So, the next time you make a mistake in front of your kids, remember that they’re learning how to cope with adversity from their role model – you.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
We have spent the last several months focusing on delivering research-backed exercises and tests to the happier.com community. The feedback has been very positive and we will continue to add more tools like these in the future.
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Today, however, we are proud to announce the addition of a whole new section to supplement your interest in self-improvement. Just click on the Video tab from any page and you will have access to over 60 exclusive videos from some of the top thought-leaders in positive psychology, including Dr. Martin Seligman and Dr. Barbara Fredrickson, among others.
The topics range from education to happiness to optimism and relationships. Those with a paid subscription and those within their free trial will have access to this exclusive library and the ability to rate the videos, as well.
We hope you like this new feature on happier.com and that it is one more tool to inspire you to be happier and more resilient.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Celebrate Mother’s Day 2009 with The Gift of Gratitude.
Gratitude is having a sense that there are things in your life that you are happy you have… Gratitude is knowing what is good in your life and feeeling grateful for that influence. Gratitude is being able to recognize what goes well, and knowing how to say “Thank You.”
This Mother’s Day, give The Gift of Gratitude.
happier.com has developed a free Gift of Gratitude, allowing parents to help their young children build personalized Mother’s Day gifts that are truly from the heart.
Use the widget below to review The Gift of Gratitude.
To download The Gift of Gratitude letter, click here (PDF).
happier.com builds tests and tools to help people measure, track and improve their happiness online. The company produces the Gratitude Journal iPhone App and has a Gratitude Letter tool, allowing users to send video, text or audio gratitude letters with significantly more detail than the special Gift of Gratitude Mother’s day letter.
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happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Many of you are parents. We think this article, from invited author David Pollay, will be of particular interest. Let us know what you think by leaving a comment at the end of the blog post.
Invited Author David Pollay
Here are the highlights from last night’s dinner with my family. When I arrived home from the office, Dawn and the girls were in the kitchen. The first thing I did was hug and kiss Dawn. Then I found Eliana and Ariela – they had gone into hiding when they heard the front door – and I hugged and kissed them too (after a little joyful tickling). I then grabbed my daughters and bounced them in my arms as I sang our special song. (It’s a simple song: I’m so happy to see you! I’m so happy to see you! I’mmmm soooo happy!). Next, we sat down together for dinner. We held hands and said our prayers, and we ended our blessings with a loud, and in unison, “Aaaamen!” We ate the food on our plates – vegetables included – and then we enjoyed a little dessert. And along the way, we talked about the fun and important things that happened that day for each of us. (Real or imaginary, four and five year-olds are fun to talk to!).
Why do we do these things? Why do we perform these rituals every night? Daniel Gilbert, Harvard psychologist and author of “Stumbling on Happiness”, wrote, “Just as we pass along our genes in an effort to create people whose faces look like ours, so too do we pass along our beliefs in an effort to create people whose minds think like ours.” We want our children to share our values and beliefs and to demonstrate them in their behaviors.
“Almost anytime we tell anyone anything,” Gilbert says, “we are attempting to change the way their brains operate – attempting to change the way they see the world so that their view of it closely resembles our own.” I would add that any time we do anything in front of someone, we are transmitting a belief.
I kiss and hug Dawn in front of the girls because I want them to believe their mother is loved, respected and appreciated. I hug, kiss and sing to my girls because I want them to believe that they are loved and that they bring joy to my life. I make sure we hold hands and have fun saying “Amen” when we pray, so that the girls enjoy saying thanks for everything that is good in their lives.
But what did checking my e-mail 20 minutes after dinner say? What belief was I communicating? My diving right into e-mail said that my work was more important than family time. It also said that when my girls get older, it will be OK for them to run off after dinner and plunge into e-mail, Facebook or MySpace. And when I thought about this before I went to bed, I said to myself, “I don’t want my girls to hold these beliefs. E-mail can wait. Family time is more important. From now on, no more e-mail during family time.” I want my girls to see that I value my time with them and Dawn. And I want them to believe that family time is meaningful, interesting and fun.
How about you? What beliefs do you want your children to have? What beliefs do you believe will help make them happier, kinder and more successful? What are you saying and doing to transmit these good and powerful beliefs? Whatever good things that you are doing, keep doing them. Your children need to hear and see them. And what are you doing that undercuts the beliefs that you want your children to have? Make sure that you start removing your contradictory language and behavior from your daily routine.
Our children are sponges. Let’s give them something positive to absorb.
(Originally published elsewhere. Reprinted with permission of the author.)
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
