Say cheese and stay married? Yes, according to Matthew Hertenstein, a psychology professor at DePauw University in Greencastle, Ind. He and three colleagues recruited more than 600 people for a review of their college yearbook photos. The researchers rated the yearbook smiles by coding muscle movements around the mouth and the eyes.
The researchers found a surprising correlation: the less people smiled, the more likely they were to later divorce. The effect was statistically significant, though not huge. But when Hertenstein compared the top 10 percent of brightest smilers with the bottom 10 percent of weakest smilers, the “lowest were five times more likely to be divorced than the top.”
The researchers also recruited 51 people to submit photos of their choosing. The relationship between smiling and staying married held even for the photographs this group submitted — posed and candid shots from when the subjects were, on average, 10 years old. “I’m more confident in the smiling effect because it held even with a) childhood and b) candid photos,” Hertenstein says. Studying smiles in photos is only the latest in what has come to be called “thin slice” research, popularized in the book “Blink,” a couple of best sellers ago from Malcolm Gladwell. For example, from very short video clips, research volunteers have determined with surprising accuracy the personality, socioeconomic status and sexual orientation of those on camera. A still photograph is merely an extremely wafer-thin slice.
The why of the smiling effect remains elusive. Hertenstein acknowledges potentially “dozens” of possible explanations, going with perhaps the most straightforward and benign. He says his “gut inclination is that people who smile on average in their photos have a positive disposition that serves them well in life and relationships.”
He cautions that his study is “not destiny.” Readers who frowned in their yearbook photos are not putting off the inevitable if they fail to rush to court to file for divorce. “There are plenty of people who defy the odds,” offers the professor, only slightly reassuringly.
Last Saturday was my son’s last tee ball game, this season. As is the case in tee ball, young kids make lots of mistakes and young, well-meaning parents like to give lots of advice to their 5-year old sons and daughters. At one point in the game, a ground ball rolled through one little boy’s legs, and several parents shouted, “Come on – you have to catch the ball.”
“Well,” I thought to myself, “That’s exactly what he wanted to do!” This little boy needed to be told:
Keep your glove down
Put your free hand on top of your glove
Spread your feet
Bend your knees
And, by the way, nice try!
I feel the same way when someone tells me to just “stay positive.” Being optimistic does not come naturally for a great deal of people (including me!). I’m a born pessimist. For the last couple of years, I have practiced several specific techniques to beat back my natural inclination to be pessimistic. The following three exercises have helped me develop what Dr. Martin Seligman refers to as a “flexible optimism” to help me cope with life’s adversities.
Put It In Perspective: This is a simple exercise that I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor. If you are the type of person who overreacts to adversity, this exercise is for you. When something bad happens and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to write down the following. First, articulate the worst case scenario – indulge your pessimism, for a moment. Then, jot down the best case scenario. Be a little silly. For instance, if you find out that you did not get the job that you really wanted, you might write down that you start your own company, become independently wealthy, and give lectures about your successful career for a living! This is not meant to be seen as a realistic scenario. Introducing a little humor opens your mind to other possibilities. Next, write down the most realistic outcomes of the adversity and try to problem solve for the most likely outcomes.
An Optimism Journal: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, shares that people who write about an optimistic future for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days were “more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods, to be happier several weeks later, and even to report fewer physical ailments several months hence.”
So, the next time someone close to you is having a bad day, try to avoid saying, “Just be positive” and give some specific advice. You just might be talking to a pessimist.
One of my closest friends played professional football for one of the best teams in the NFL during the early 1990’s. The team had talented players, a good front office, and excellent coaches. They believed they would win every game they played.
At the beginning of his sixth season, my friend was picked up by another team. He was impressed by the front office and the players on this new team. He missed his old teammates but he was excited for a new beginning in a new city. His new team was scheduled to play the San Francisco 49ers – a perennial powerhouse. At my friend’s first team meeting, the head coach walked into the team’s film room, turned to the team, paused for a second, then said, “I think we can stay with these guys…”
“Stay with these guys?” my buddy recounted to me. “I wanted to hear him say that we were going to win by 20 points!” he continued.
Sports are different, in many ways, from other aspects of our lives but I still believe the key ingredient in any successful leader is optimism. Why would you ever want to follow someone who didn’t truly believe in a better tomorrow?
The optimistic leader is better equipped to handle adversity. She sees obstacles and issues as challenges to be overcome, not a permanent setback. A truly talented leader uses optimism to motivate people and keep them engaged. She is realistic, flexible, and hopeful.
So, how can you be a more optimistic leader? Try these tips to lead with a flexible, realistic optimism:
Don’t take it personally: It’s ok NOT to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that some things are out of your control. If you do not believe in yourself, don’t expect others to follow.
Keep adversities in their place: When something bad happens, don’t let it affect other areas of your life. Dropping the ball on one project does not mean you are not a good leader.
This too shall pass: 99.9% of the bad things that happen are temporary. Set a good example for the people following you by showing them that you are ready for the next challenge by not dwelling on the past.
So, while most of life requires a realistic optimism, if you find yourself coaching an NFL team, make sure to the players, “We’re going to win by 20 points!”
Marie was 64 when she contracted a rare form of cancer in the bile duct. Her prognosis was poor. We tried many interventions and had some success but, alas, only in the short term.
Marie was a teacher and had researched a new therapy based in, of course, California. It seemed to be a hybrid of unproven but promising new medical treatments with some alternative treatments added to the mix.
She had the money and an incredible, even refreshing, faith in this therapeutic cocktail, and wanted to try it while she was still relatively healthy. Tickets were bought and I wished her bonne chance .
She received a call the day before she was to leave to say there’d been a mistake, and she didn’t qualify for their program. Marie died the following week.
While the news about the health impact of optimism isn’t new, it’s a good reminder about the importance of becoming more optimistic.
We recently asked happier.con consultant Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner to define optimism from a scientific perspective: “The reason that we often talk in the research about optimism being more important is that… if you’re optimistic, you’re actually going to try, and you make it more likely that what you want to happen will [occur].”
We also asked Martin Seligman, the author of “Learned Optimism” to give an overview of the findings on optimism and physical health. The research shows that those who are optimistic have “much better” cardiovascular health than pessimists, with 1/4 the rate of cardiac deaths as the rest of the population.
Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”
As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”
Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”
For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.
If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.
One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:
What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
Can I obtain these?
What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?
So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.
