One of my closest friends played professional football for one of the best teams in the NFL during the early 1990’s. The team had talented players, a good front office, and excellent coaches. They believed they would win every game they played.
At the beginning of his sixth season, my friend was picked up by another team. He was impressed by the front office and the players on this new team. He missed his old teammates but he was excited for a new beginning in a new city. His new team was scheduled to play the San Francisco 49ers – a perennial powerhouse. At my friend’s first team meeting, the head coach walked into the team’s film room, turned to the team, paused for a second, then said, “I think we can stay with these guys…”
“Stay with these guys?” my buddy recounted to me. “I wanted to hear him say that we were going to win by 20 points!” he continued.
Sports are different, in many ways, from other aspects of our lives but I still believe the key ingredient in any successful leader is optimism. Why would you ever want to follow someone who didn’t truly believe in a better tomorrow?
The optimistic leader is better equipped to handle adversity. She sees obstacles and issues as challenges to be overcome, not a permanent setback. A truly talented leader uses optimism to motivate people and keep them engaged. She is realistic, flexible, and hopeful.
So, how can you be a more optimistic leader? Try these tips to lead with a flexible, realistic optimism:
Don’t take it personally: It’s ok NOT to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that some things are out of your control. If you do not believe in yourself, don’t expect others to follow.
Keep adversities in their place: When something bad happens, don’t let it affect other areas of your life. Dropping the ball on one project does not mean you are not a good leader.
This too shall pass: 99.9% of the bad things that happen are temporary. Set a good example for the people following you by showing them that you are ready for the next challenge by not dwelling on the past.
So, while most of life requires a realistic optimism, if you find yourself coaching an NFL team, make sure to the players, “We’re going to win by 20 points!”
Marie was 64 when she contracted a rare form of cancer in the bile duct. Her prognosis was poor. We tried many interventions and had some success but, alas, only in the short term.
Marie was a teacher and had researched a new therapy based in, of course, California. It seemed to be a hybrid of unproven but promising new medical treatments with some alternative treatments added to the mix.
She had the money and an incredible, even refreshing, faith in this therapeutic cocktail, and wanted to try it while she was still relatively healthy. Tickets were bought and I wished her bonne chance .
She received a call the day before she was to leave to say there’d been a mistake, and she didn’t qualify for their program. Marie died the following week.
While the news about the health impact of optimism isn’t new, it’s a good reminder about the importance of becoming more optimistic.
We recently asked happier.con consultant Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner to define optimism from a scientific perspective: “The reason that we often talk in the research about optimism being more important is that… if you’re optimistic, you’re actually going to try, and you make it more likely that what you want to happen will [occur].”
We also asked Martin Seligman, the author of “Learned Optimism” to give an overview of the findings on optimism and physical health. The research shows that those who are optimistic have “much better” cardiovascular health than pessimists, with 1/4 the rate of cardiac deaths as the rest of the population.
Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”
As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”
Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”
For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.
If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.
One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:
What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
Can I obtain these?
What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?
So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.
Entrepreneurs are a hearty bunch. They’re known for persevering when others give up. But there’s a difference between realistic optimism and stubbornly hitting your head against the wall hoping something will change.
Inc: The Magazine for Growing Companies combed through 30 years of stories to find the ones that best illustrate an entrepreneur overcoming an obstacle where others would have given up. And, from zappos.com to the 1993 Dallas Cowboys Superbowl victory, many of the results are now taken for granted. All 30 stories are profiled online. And to read some unknown stories of resilience, from users of happier.com, visit the Community section, where you can even contribute your own story.
When I first moved to the the DC area in the mid-1990’s, it took me a couple of months to find a job. One summer day, I got a call saying that I had been offered a training specialist position. I was overjoyed. This was a completely new career for me and I looked upon it as a major achievement after countless interviews and applications.
About three months after starting the job, however, I was laid off as the business was downsizing. I was devastated and had trouble thinking straight for a couple of days. How was I going to find something, again, with so little experience? How was I going to pay the bills? These and many more questions kept running through my mind. I did find another job, of course, but it was a very difficult time.
Looking back on my reaction, I probably would have been better served by focusing on action. That is, my goal was to find another job, so my energy would have been more productively spent updating my resume, building contacts, applying for jobs, etc. By keeping it in perspective and focusing on solutions I am also convinced I would have felt much better.
And, the research shows that some people will actually grow from this type of experience and be stronger as a result. In fact, I would venture to say that if we all looked back on many of our own adversities, we would recognize that as one door closed, eventually, another one opened.
In my own case, I was able to land a position with an up-and-coming wireless telecom company that ended up being a spring board for my entire career. In fact, I probably would not have been looking for this particular job had I not been laid off. As I look at the other adversities that I have faced in sports, business, and my personal life, I realize that I actually did benefit from each bad event. I learned specific lessons that will help me for the rest of my life.
And, while this knowledge does not prevent future adversities from happening, I know that I am stronger and more resilient as a result. I know that (as my Winston Churchil and my Dad) have said, “This, too, shall pass.”
So, the next time an adversity hits, do your best to keep it in perspective and recognize that there may actually be an opportunity for growth waiting for you at the other end.
In the meantime, learn from your past adversities through our What Door Opened? exercise or take a minute to read some great stories of resilience in our Community section.
