Let’s play a game of associations: close your eyes and write down five words that instinctively come in mind when you hear the word…: “Holidays”. If you’re like me, your ideal thought of the Holiday season involves sitting on a snowy day next to the fireplace wearing a sweater while reading a book. Chances are you used words with a strong positive association like, friends, happiness, snowman, family, gifts…. And, if you are like me, then you keep wondering why your Holiday season never turns out that way.
Every year I experience a moment (usually around December 10th) when I realize that it got to me again: Usually it’s when I walk around with dilated pupils and a racing heart, while mailing cards, buying gifts, and making dinner plans. Holiday stress is almost inevitable, but there are ways to make it better.
Here are a few ideas:
1. Express Gratitude:
Expressing gratitude is probably the most time-efficient thing one can do to regain a sober perspective and be reminded of the goodness in life. Write 2-3 things you are grateful for in a gratitude journal at least every other day. Carry your journal with you if you can, or better yet use happier.com’s iPhone app!
1. Schedule me-time in your calendar:
Schedule a few hours a week where you have absolutely no commitments. During this time do not answer the phone, look at email or do any chores. Try to spend this time by yourself, exercising, reading, or journaling.
3. Give others non-tangible gifts that only you can give:
Think about friends and family members who may long for something only you have: a good word, a smile, a special skill. Sometimes a small gesture goes a long way. Fix your brother’s car, or write a small poem to your sweetheart. Give a gift that money can’t buy.
4. Put a stress emergency kit in your pocket
Carry in your pocket a de-stressing activity that you can do on the go. Use a small pocket book for journaling, or your cell phone’s camera for taking pictures of happy moments you encounter. If you carry a smart mobile device, get one of the many emerging mobile software applications that can help you stay centered and in tune with yourself even in the most hectic scenarios.
5. Get enough sleep
It’s stating the obvious but can’t be repeated too many times. Sleep deprivation is the mother of everything stress and a recipe for disaster. Be aware of that critical time at night when you want to just write a few more cards or drop dead in front of the TV, and just make the decision to turn in.
This post was authored by Ran Zilca. Ran is the CEO of Signal Patterns, developers of assessment and positive psychology applications. Ran’s background covers a wide range of R&D leadership roles including analytics, biometrics, and software development at the IBM research division and the Israeli Defense Forces. You can follow Ran on twitter.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Emiliya Zhivotovskaya is a member of the happier.com Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. “Using a scientifically based and integrative approach (positive psychology, neurology, yoga and alternative therapies) to enable the Mind, Body, Spirit and Will to flourish.”
It’s the day before Thanksgiving, I get on the phone with my weekly client. She’s feeling guilty that she’s not feeling grateful. She met a woman the night prior whose son was handicapped and was able to walk a little bit. Her outpouring of gratitude, made my client feel worse about her depleted attitude of gratitude. She said she couldn’t even think of what she was grateful for.
When I encouraged her to make her list, she immediately asked if she could make her “not grateful for” list. I said, “Of course.” Positive psychology is not about solely focusing on positive emotions and denying the negative. Here is the exercise that I did with my client that enabled us to work through the negative events she was facing and honor the positive.
- We made two lists: 1) Things she is grateful for in her life and 2) Things she is NOT grateful for in her life.
- She tallied both lists. She had 12 things we was grateful for and 13 things she was not grateful for.
Keeping Dr. Barbara Fredrickson’s Broaden and Build Theory in mind, I knew that my client needed to be above a ratio of 3 positive to every 1 negative emotion in order to flourish or feel better about her life. This required increasing her gratitude list.
- I asked her to go back to the list of things she was grateful for and find 24 more things. I explained that anything could be a source of gratitude; it was just a matter of shifting perspectives. At first it was difficult for her, but quickly gratitude for the garbage man, memories of Lake George and knowing that her dog has a good new home, made it to the list.
- Then we addressed the “NOT grateful for list.” One by one we looked at the things that essentially were not working in her life and reframed them as things that she was wanting. So she was, “not grateful for her friends all starting to move out of the neighborhood.” This discontent alludes to her “wanting strong connections to friends who live nearby.” Her feeling not grateful for her son treating her rudely indicates her strong desire to have a respectful and communicative relationship with her children.
- I asked her to read back to me her 36 Gratitudes and 13 Wants list.
In my practice, measuring the effectiveness of my work with clients is important. Prior to the start of this exercise I asked her to rate her positive mood on a scale of 1-10 (1 being dismal and 10 being highly positive). She rated herself at a 3 or 4. At the end of this exercise, she gave herself a 5.
Again, I was not trying to create a positive-disillusion in a situation. I was honoring where my client was and using basic tenets of positive psychology to find the area of her life where did have control over, and work there.
After this exercise, she remembered there was a writing class going on in a week that she wanted to register for. Without my prompting, she committed to registering for it as soon as we got off the phone. She was far from being in “peppy land”. However, she had stepped out of her negative rut and seemed to have a handle on some of the negative circumstances of her life.
Negative emotions are beautiful because they alert us to what we are wanting. Reframing “not grateful for lists” in the form of wants enables us creatively problem solve what to do about them. Use this exercise to take control of your reality and your thanks this thanksgiving.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
This Thanksgiving, take a moment to share what you are thankful for.
Join happier.com on twitter (@happier) and let us know what you’re thankful for with the hashtag “#thankfulfor”
NOVEMBER 24, 2009Robert Hood, MSNBC
Some people are turning the economic recession into an opportunity for personal growth and financial reward. NBC’s Robert Hood reports.
I love Christmas. I love Christmas songs, TV specials (especially the one with Heat Miser!), and the spiritual aspect of it, as well. What I don’t like about this holiday is what we have made out of it. I think I saw a Christmas tree in a warehouse club store in the first week of September. Besides the over-commercialization of the holiday, it made me realize that we seemed to have forgotten about Thanksgiving.
This Thursday, we have a chance to express our gratitude – and, we get to do with loved ones. So, if you’re reading this blog, you also have a chance to teach people about the science behind gratitude and its effect on happiness. Here are a couple of ideas to consider.
- Keep a gratitude journal: It is widely accepted that writing down Three Good Things and their causes every day leads to higher levels of happiness and less symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression. But, what if you kept a family journal? Try going around the table this Thanksgiving and ask each person to tell what he/she is grateful for and jot it down in a journal. Keep the journal available for everyone and bring it out every Thanksgiving. You may also want to start this tradition every day at the dinner table…
- Teach the gift of gratitude: Pick a family member or friend that will be joining you for Thanksgiving and tell him or her about the things for which you are grateful. Then, tell him or her about the Three Good Things exercise. Teaching is a powerful tool and a wonderful gift.
- Read a gratitude letter: …to your entire family! If you have ever done this exercise where you read a letter to someone that you have not properly thanked, you know the power of gratitude in relationships. Now, try reading the letter to everyone who will be attending dinner. Tell them how you are thankful for something they did for you or something that you witnessed.
- Recall the bad: Everyone experiences adversity – some of us more than others. Dr. Robert Emmons (author of Thanks! How the new science of gratitude can make you happier) writes that it is helpful to remember the ‘bad times.’ The first benefit is that this helps us recognize the ‘good’ in our current lives. The second benefit is that we can begin to practice counterfactual thinking – “mental comparisons we make between the way things are and how things might have been.” Counterfactual thinking can help us recognize just how much worse life could have been. Make it part of the conversation.
So, don’t be afraid to put off your Christmas shopping or watching the “The Year without a Santa Claus” for just a couple more days. Make gratitude a habit and don’t be afraid to share it with your loved ones.
