Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
The happiness-health relationship isn’t magic – although some parts of it may be biological, a big part of why happy people are healthier stems from behaviors that come more easily to happy people. A study by Bob Emmons and colleagues found that people who experience gratitude on a regular basis are more likely to spontaneously exercise, and they also get better sleep. These short-term health behaviors lead to long-term benefits like longer life span. So if getting happier doesn’t seem worth the effort by itself, think abut the health benefits!
Dr. Acacia Parks is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
Question: I read about the “Active and Constructive Responding” exercise and I am pretty sure I already respond this way when people come to me with good news. Can this exercise still be useful for me?
Answer: Most people don’t think of themselves as a spoilsport who responds negatively (or not at all) when people come to them with good news. However, we have all had the experience of going to someone with good news and not getting the response we want. It happens. I promise that at one point or another, you have done this. There’s always room for improvement! If you consider yourself a practiced Active-Constructive Responder, here are some tips for taking this exercise to the next level:
1. Be more attentive – that is, be on constant lookout for opportunities to respond Actively and Constructively. Try to spot good news when it is less than obvious – people don’t always come to you bursting with obvious excitement when they have good news to report.
2. See if you can completely eliminate Passive-Constructive responses from your repertoire. Any time you find yourself saying “cool” or “that’s nice” see if you can muster something more enthusiastic. Any good news that’s worth acknowledging is worth acknowledging with gusto!
3. Challenge yourself to turn good news into great news. Instead of just sharing in the other person’s enthusiasm, see if you can increase it by finding even more aspects of the situation to be excited about.
Answer: Every time I teach Active and Constructive Responding to a group, at least one person expresses the concern that their efforts using this exercise will be perceived by others as fake or uncharacteristic of them. People particularly get hung up on what it means to “display genuine interest,” and whether that requires them to act “perky” or “upbeat” when that may not be their natural demeanor. Here are the three things I say in response:
1. You’d be surprised how responsive people are to behaviors that are pleasant, even if they are atypical of the person doing them. Just because you’ve never done something before doesn’t mean that other people won’t be happy to see you do it.
2. It is normal to feel a bit uncomfortable when trying out something new – give it a try anyway. What’s the worst that could happen?
3. You don’t have to become a different person, or adopt a different demeanor, to display interest. Just ask a lot of questions! The more you prolong a conversation, the more obvious it is that you are interested in the topic. This “counts” as being Active and Constructive just as much as squealing and jumping up and down does.
And here’s what Todd Kashdan has to say about putting these skills to place in the work environment:
Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks-Sheiner has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
If I am holding a grudge against someone, isn’t letting go of the grudge is the same as excusing the other person’s misbehavior?
A common misperception touted by grudge-holders far and wide is that grudges are somehow functional. Maybe they prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future, or they punish the other person for whatever transgression they have committed.
The reality couldn’t be farther from the truth: the only person a grudge punishes is you. The research suggests that holding a grudge has all sorts of negative effects on both your physical and emotional health. The transgressor, on the other hand, isn’t going to know either way whether or not you have forgiven her. In fact, sometimes, transgressors don’t even know you’re holding a grudge in the first place! The feeling that a grudge is something that exists between two people is an illusion – a grudge is an internal process, experienced only by you.
Furthermore, despite the old adage “forgive and forget,” forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting. There is a huge difference between forgetting a transgression and taking control of your feelings about that transgression! Nobody’s telling you to forget – only to let go of the bottled-up emotions you’re holding onto.
Despite whatever our intuitions might tell us, there is no evidence that holding a grudge is helpful. It’s harmful, and not to the transgressor – to you! Try out “Letting Go of Grudges” and see what happens. You have nothing to lose… except your grudge.
Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks-Sheiner has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
Dr. Acacia Parks is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. Dr. Parks has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.
Question
When I take the happiness test, I find myself in the middle. I’m not particularly unhappy and I’m not overwhelmingly happy. What should I focus on? What exercises are likely to work the best for me?
Answer
With scores in the middle range of the CES-D and AHI, you are in the perfect range for a lot of exercises on happier.com – you’ve still got room for growth, but your unhappiness isn’t so intense that it will get in your way.
Right now, you’ll benefit the most from taking what works in your life and doing it more. “Signature Strengths” will help you figure out what you’re best at and find ways to do what you’re best at more often in your daily life. Research suggests that we are happiest in work and leisure when we can get lost in what we are doing (in other words, achieve “Flow”) – by using your strengths, you make that more likely. “Active and Constructive Responding” will help you to pay more attention to good news from other people, and to respond to good news in a way that will improve your relationships. Most people who score in the same range as you do both of these things already to some extent, but may not be aware of how beneficial it is to do so. Try setting an intention to do what works more, and see what happens!
Another task you are well-poised to try out is fine-tuning the way in which you interpret stressful events. “Control Negative Thoughts” will teach you a more objective way to think about the things that happen to you. If you were too unhappy, it would be hard to find sufficient perspective to do this. If you were too happy, you would probably already be doing it. This task should provide a great balance of challenge and ability – again, a recipe for Flow!
