Several years ago I had a Vice President who was full of energy and optimism. He was also very kind and had an “open door” policy where he was more than willing to chat with any one of the several hundred employees in his group about anything. In fact, you could talk to him about anything and he always seemed to have time for you.
I don’t know if he ever took the VIA Survey, but I would guess that some of his top strengths were:
- Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
- Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
- Forgiveness and mercy
- Curiosity and interest in the world
In fact, he knew his strengths and he used them often – unfortunately, too often. And, while he was a very likeable person, he was a pretty ineffective leader. He consistently did not acknowledge risks or issues. He loved creative ideas but was easily bored with operational issues. He rarely fired anyone for poor performance. In addition, he really didn’t know how to adapt to situations. He continued to use his top strengths even when he wasn’t getting results. His organization eventually fell into disarray.
In recent years, we have heard the experts tell us to use our strengths. And, Robert Biswas-Diener wrote a great post about using our strengths in the ‘right’ situations. But, how do we know when we’re over-using a strength?
Unfortunately, I think over-used strengths usually represent a blind spot. That is, they’re difficult to recognize. Remember, using a strength usually feels good. We are engaged when we are doing something that we’re good at and we frequently go into a state of flow where time stands still. This can lead to situations where we lose our self-awareness.
Try these two strategies to examine the use of your own strengths:
- Look at situations where your initial thoughts were that you performed at a high level but the results did not follow. Did you misjudge the reactions of others? Did you miss some cues? List your top strengths and see if any of them actually contributed to the poor outcome.
- Ask for some feedback from people who know you well AND are not afraid to tell you the truth (that second part is VERY important). Take the VIA Survey to identify your top strengths. Share this list with your friend(s) and ask if you rely on these too much.
In the end, don’t abandon your strengths. The research shows that use of your strengths can lead to lasting happiness. Just try to exercise a little more self-awareness and consider the situation.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”
As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”
Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”
For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.
If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.
One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:
- What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
- Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
- Can I obtain these?
- What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
- What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?
So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
The last time that I checked, I have held jobs at nine different companies. I have been a salesman, a product manager, an organization development consultant, a training manager, and even a college football coach. And, I can honestly say that there were certain aspects of every job that I really loved. As a salesman selling payroll services, I enjoyed speaking with prospects about their companies. Working in the field of training helped me discover my passion for teaching and helping others. Managing other people allowed me to learn that I do much better working on teams where I can consult with others on big or complex decisions. As a football coach, I enjoyed connecting with the players and seeing them improve.
I can remember one conversation with a friend of mine about ten years ago after I had finished telling him about a new job. He said, “It’s amazing how much passion you have for each new job. You talk about how you’re helping people or your product is the best thing since sliced bread. You know, Doug, you’re kind of an idealist…” I don’t really remember what he said after that. Keep in mind this is someone who had majored in one subject in college, got a Master’s degree in the same subject, and has been working in the same field for the last 19 years. I was really taken back.
“Am I really just an idealist, chasing something that I will never attain?” I thought. It was a scary thought and kept me occupied for the next couple of days. In the end, I realized that by finding meaning and purpose in my work, I was highly motivated and more productive. In his popular book, Happier, Tal Ben-Shahar writes, “Being an idealist is being a realist in the deepest sense – it is being true to our real nature.”
I have two goals in life: inspire other people to be happier and leave the planet in better shape than I found it. These are some pretty lofty goals but I really cannot imagine living life any other way. Having lofty goals motivates me for the long term. My vision for happier.com is that we are the place to go for anyone interested in improving themselves. I can see us improving the lives of millions of people, helping companies, and, possibly, affecting public policy in a positive way. But, my goals also motivate me in the short term. There are certain aspects of my current role that I do not like but knowing my goals and my strengths always seems to pull me through the toughest of tasks.
So, if you are having trouble with your current role, you can always look for something else. In the meantime, ask yourself these questions to see if you find meaning and purpose in what you do.
- Who do you serve directly in your current role?
- Who might benefit, indirectly, from what you do every day?
- How might you contribute more by using your strengths?
- If I were to write my own personal mission statement, what would it say?
As Todd Kashdan writes in Curious, “Meaning enhances our capacity to work toward a future that is most in sync with our deepest values and interests.” So, while we usually think of being happier as pleasurable activities, finding meaning and purpose in what you do every day has the staying power for long-lasting happiness.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
When I first moved to the the DC area in the mid-1990’s, it took me a couple of months to find a job. One summer day, I got a call saying that I had been offered a training specialist position. I was overjoyed. This was a completely new career for me and I looked upon it as a major achievement after countless interviews and applications.
About three months after starting the job, however, I was laid off as the business was downsizing. I was devastated and had trouble thinking straight for a couple of days. How was I going to find something, again, with so little experience? How was I going to pay the bills? These and many more questions kept running through my mind. I did find another job, of course, but it was a very difficult time.
Looking back on my reaction, I probably would have been better served by focusing on action. That is, my goal was to find another job, so my energy would have been more productively spent updating my resume, building contacts, applying for jobs, etc. By keeping it in perspective and focusing on solutions I am also convinced I would have felt much better.
And, the research shows that some people will actually grow from this type of experience and be stronger as a result. In fact, I would venture to say that if we all looked back on many of our own adversities, we would recognize that as one door closed, eventually, another one opened.
In my own case, I was able to land a position with an up-and-coming wireless telecom company that ended up being a spring board for my entire career. In fact, I probably would not have been looking for this particular job had I not been laid off. As I look at the other adversities that I have faced in sports, business, and my personal life, I realize that I actually did benefit from each bad event. I learned specific lessons that will help me for the rest of my life.
And, while this knowledge does not prevent future adversities from happening, I know that I am stronger and more resilient as a result. I know that (as my Winston Churchil and my Dad) have said, “This, too, shall pass.”
So, the next time an adversity hits, do your best to keep it in perspective and recognize that there may actually be an opportunity for growth waiting for you at the other end.
In the meantime, learn from your past adversities through our What Door Opened? exercise or take a minute to read some great stories of resilience in our Community section.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Just over two years ago, I decided to buy a new car. And, as excited as I was at the thought of getting something new, I was just as intimidated by the process. No, I wasn’t worried about haggling with a car salesman or filling out the paperwork – I was scared that I would not get the best possible price. With the resources at my finger tips (eg; the internet), I was worried that this would take a great deal of effort and that there was a lot of room for error.
So, I decided to limit my choices and make a quick, informed decision. First, I went to one web site and got the ‘dealer price’ for my desired car and the potential price of my trade-in. Next, I identified four car dealerships within a 30-minute drive and called each of them and asked them for a quote on the model that I wanted. (Only one dealership declined to give me a quote over the phone.)
I got a good deal from a dealership about 30 minutes from my house. The sales rep was friendly but the paperwork was a little burdensome (of course). And, in the end, I felt that I had received a “good deal.” I was very satisfied with the entire process. To this day, I have no regrets about my decision.
In The Paradox of Choice by Barry Schwarz, the research shows that people who ’satisfy’ as opposed to ‘maximize’ when making decisions are actually happier with their decisions and happier, overall. Satisficers simply settle for something that is good enough or something that meets their own standards. Maximizers (people who go to just about any length to get the best combination of features, benefits, and price) do a better job in objective terms than those who satisfy. For instance, they usually get better prices because they do more research on what is available. Maximizers, however, are actually less satisfied with their purchases because they always believe they could have done just a little more research.
Schwarz does a masterful job bringing to light the number of decisions that we have to make on a daily basis. Everything from cookies to cars has expanded in the last several decades to a dizzying array. The consequence is that we’re being ‘pushed’ to be maximizers. The author argues that the amount of choices we have requires us to put more effort into our decisions, that we are more likely to make errors, and that the psychological consequences are more severe.
Here are some tips to be more satisfied with your decisions while limiting your choices:
- Set clear goals (eg; I want a new car for less than $25,000)
- Set reasonable expectations for your purchase. Avoid thinking that this purchase/decision will finally make you happy and that these feelings of joy will not dissipate.
- Limit the number of choices for a given decision.
- Express gratitude on a regular basis
- Stop comparing yourself to those who have more than you. Upward comparisons can produce jealousy, hostility, frustration, and other negative emotions.
So, while we all crave the freedom to make our own choices, we are actually better off with just a little less choice.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
