A typical exchange between my dad and I when I was growing up.
Me: “Dad, wanna play catch?”
Dad: “Sure.”
Then, my dad would get up out of “his” chair and roll me ground balls, pretend to be a catcher receiving my pitches from a make believe mound, or he would be a wide receiver on a made up football field moving his hands to different positions so that I could practice throwing the football to different targets. I don’t really remember if we talked much but I learned how to be present for my own kids.
I’m singling out my dad but both of my parents were ALWAYS there for us. Almost every night, we sat down for a family dinner. My mom would drop what she was doing to help with homework. My dad would watch the Yankees with me every night during the summer but he didn’t push back when I swore my allegiance to the Red Sox. I never felt unloved or that I couldn’t go to them with some big problem. When questionable circumstances presented themselves and I had a choice to go with the crowd or do the right thing, I almost always thought about how my parents would react if they found out. In the end, I chose wisely for most of my formative years.
Keep in mind that my parents were busy coaching sports, carting me and my sisters to various activities, and working long hours. But, they stopped what they were doing to talk to us, help us, or just be with us.
Flash forward 30 years and now we have wireless networks in our houses, Twitter, Facebook, Blackberries, iPhones, and way too many activities for our kids. We’re busier than ever but are we spending enough quality time with those we love? Is it quality time when we’re rushing from place to place with our kids and spouses? Are you truly present with someone else when you answer a question but your face is buried in your Blackberry?
The following are a couple of tips to improve and deepen the relationships you already have with those you care about the most:
- Drop what you’re doing and give your full attention to those around you.
- Avoid the temptation to answer your phone or read an email when talking with someone else.
- When someone brings you good news, learn how to respond actively and constructively. Give them your full attention. Ask follow up questions and show genuine interest.
Shelly Gable’s research shows that how we discuss good events is is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight. It is also the basis for our Active & Constructive Responding exercise that teaches you how to respond to the good events of others and track your progress.
So, the next time your child says, “Wanna play catch?” or your significant other brings some good news to you, put down the iPod and be present.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
happier.com has come a long way in a short time. We now have nine exercises, four tests, over 100 videos, an informative blog, and five happiness plans that recommend specific activities based on a goal that you select. So, where do you start? How can you get the most out of your subscription?
Here are three tips to help you navigate your way through happier.com and use the tips, tools, and advice effectively:
- Attend a free webinar: Each week, hundreds of people sign up to hear more about happier.com. The event is live and facilitated by members of the happier.com team. There is no cost and no plug-in required. We walk you through the site and answer all your questions.
- Pick a goal: Once you have a subscription, happier.com can recommend specific exercises and tests based on your personal goals. You can change your goal at any time and always have access to all the tools and content on happier.com with your subscription.
- Make it a habit: The good news is that many of the exercises produce immediate benefits. People report feeling better right after finishing the exercises and for some time after that. But, to create lasting, positive change, regular use of the activities is highly recommended. Just set aside 5-10 minutes a day for happier.com and you’ll see results!
Hope to see you on the next webinar!
Doug
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
We like to ask questions. And, we found out that our community of users likes to answer them! We’re not talking about happiness or optimism tests. We’ve asked you some questions about how happiness and resilience work in the real world and here is what you said…
Question: Do you think you can increase your happiness?
- Yes – 86%
- No – 6%
- Not sure – 8%
Question: Watching the news on TV makes me…
- happier – 3%
- less happy – 32%
- no effect – 19%
- depressed – 46%
Question: I am happier when I am…
- by myself – 39%
- with other people – 61%
Question: Which of the following would make you happier?
- winning the lottery – 47%
- having children – 11%
- getting married – 24%
- your favorite team wins the championship – 2%
- living in your dream house – 16%
Question: Which of the following provides you with the most meaning and purpose in your life?
- work – 18%
- doing charity – 8%
- kids – 27%
- religion – 16%
- other – 31%
A few notes: These data were collected through polls placed on the front page of happier.com. They are not a scientific representative sample. But we think they’re fun.
Let us know if there is a question you would like us to ask. Just leave a comment below.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Several years ago I had a Vice President who was full of energy and optimism. He was also very kind and had an “open door” policy where he was more than willing to chat with any one of the several hundred employees in his group about anything. In fact, you could talk to him about anything and he always seemed to have time for you.
I don’t know if he ever took the VIA Survey, but I would guess that some of his top strengths were:
- Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
- Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
- Forgiveness and mercy
- Curiosity and interest in the world
In fact, he knew his strengths and he used them often – unfortunately, too often. And, while he was a very likeable person, he was a pretty ineffective leader. He consistently did not acknowledge risks or issues. He loved creative ideas but was easily bored with operational issues. He rarely fired anyone for poor performance. In addition, he really didn’t know how to adapt to situations. He continued to use his top strengths even when he wasn’t getting results. His organization eventually fell into disarray.
In recent years, we have heard the experts tell us to use our strengths. And, Robert Biswas-Diener wrote a great post about using our strengths in the ‘right’ situations. But, how do we know when we’re over-using a strength?
Unfortunately, I think over-used strengths usually represent a blind spot. That is, they’re difficult to recognize. Remember, using a strength usually feels good. We are engaged when we are doing something that we’re good at and we frequently go into a state of flow where time stands still. This can lead to situations where we lose our self-awareness.
Try these two strategies to examine the use of your own strengths:
- Look at situations where your initial thoughts were that you performed at a high level but the results did not follow. Did you misjudge the reactions of others? Did you miss some cues? List your top strengths and see if any of them actually contributed to the poor outcome.
- Ask for some feedback from people who know you well AND are not afraid to tell you the truth (that second part is VERY important). Take the VIA Survey to identify your top strengths. Share this list with your friend(s) and ask if you rely on these too much.
In the end, don’t abandon your strengths. The research shows that use of your strengths can lead to lasting happiness. Just try to exercise a little more self-awareness and consider the situation.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”
As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”
Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”
For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.
If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.
One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.
Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:
- What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
- Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
- Can I obtain these?
- What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
- What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?
So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
