happier.com blog | a personal trainer for your happiness » Doug Hensch

Tuesday’s Tip – Keep your glove down

Doug Hensch — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 14:20:34 +0000

Last Saturday was my son’s last tee ball game, this season. As is the case in tee ball, young kids make lots of mistakes and young, well-meaning parents like to give lots of advice to their 5-year old sons and daughters. At one point in the game, a ground ball rolled through one little boy’s legs, and several parents shouted, “Come on – you have to catch the ball.”

“Well,” I thought to myself, “That’s exactly what he wanted to do!” This little boy needed to be told:

Keep your glove down
Put your free hand on top of your glove
Spread your feet
Bend your knees
And, by the way, nice try!

I feel the same way when someone tells me to just “stay positive.” Being optimistic does not come naturally for a great deal of people (including me!). I’m a born pessimist. For the last couple of years, I have practiced several specific techniques to beat back my natural inclination to be pessimistic. The following three exercises have helped me develop what Dr. Martin Seligman refers to as a “flexible optimism” to help me cope with life’s adversities.

ABCDE: An oldie but a goodie! Dr. Seligman writes about this in Learned Optimism and it may not be new to many of you, but it has become a trusted friend to me. Check out an older post of mine that explains this in detail. Or, try the Control Negative Thoughts exercise on happier.com.
Put It In Perspective: This is a simple exercise that I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor. If you are the type of person who overreacts to adversity, this exercise is for you. When something bad happens and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to write down the following. First, articulate the worst case scenario – indulge your pessimism, for a moment. Then, jot down the best case scenario. Be a little silly. For instance, if you find out that you did not get the job that you really wanted, you might write down that you start your own company, become independently wealthy, and give lectures about your successful career for a living! This is not meant to be seen as a realistic scenario. Introducing a little humor opens your mind to other possibilities. Next, write down the most realistic outcomes of the adversity and try to problem solve for the most likely outcomes.
An Optimism Journal: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, shares that people who write about an optimistic future for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days were “more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods, to be happier several weeks later, and even to report fewer physical ailments several months hence.”

So, the next time someone close to you is having a bad day, try to avoid saying, “Just be positive” and give some specific advice. You just might be talking to a pessimist.

happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.

Tuesday’s Tip – Challenge yourself

Doug Hensch — Tue, 03 Nov 2009 14:17:05 +0000

“Doug, I want you to plan an event for our salespeople,” said our VP of Sales. “And, we’re holding it in two weeks, so you should probably get to work. What questions do you have for me?,” he finished.

I had no questions because all I could think about was failing and being humiliated. I had other responsibilities that I could not drop and I had never done something like this before.

There were two choices before me: 1) quit and look for a new job (remember, I’m a pessimist, at heart , 2) give it my best effort. I chose #2 and it is one of my favorite professional achievements, for two reasons.

First, I didn’t give up and I overcame my fear of failure. In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar writes, “Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them has a greater long-term effect on our self-esteem than winning or losing, failing or succeeding.” So, just by trying, I felt better about myself. I realized that I was able to handle big challenges and I felt more confident about whatever the next big challenge would be.

Second, I actually enjoyed the process. Yes, it was stressful, but I engaged all my strengths and experienced moments of “flow” where time stood still and my performance was at its highest levels. More importantly, I realized that even if I had failed, it was the journey that counted. I met new people in my company, learned a great deal about our offerings, and developed new skills. Even if I had failed, it would have been a worthwhile experience.

Now, think about a goal that you have considered in the past but decided NOT to pursue for fear of failure. Make a commitment to pursue this goal but be more mindful about the journey. Don’t worry about failing. Along the way, reflect about the lessons you learn.

Tuesday’s Tip – Lead with optimism

Doug Hensch — Tue, 20 Oct 2009 13:27:34 +0000

One of my closest friends played professional football for one of the best teams in the NFL during the early 1990’s. The team had talented players, a good front office, and excellent coaches. They believed they would win every game they played.

At the beginning of his sixth season, my friend was picked up by another team. He was impressed by the front office and the players on this new team. He missed his old teammates but he was excited for a new beginning in a new city. His new team was scheduled to play the San Francisco 49ers – a perennial powerhouse. At my friend’s first team meeting, the head coach walked into the team’s film room, turned to the team, paused for a second, then said, “I think we can stay with these guys…”

“Stay with these guys?” my buddy recounted to me. “I wanted to hear him say that we were going to win by 20 points!” he continued.

Sports are different, in many ways, from other aspects of our lives but I still believe the key ingredient in any successful leader is optimism. Why would you ever want to follow someone who didn’t truly believe in a better tomorrow?

The optimistic leader is better equipped to handle adversity. She sees obstacles and issues as challenges to be overcome, not a permanent setback. A truly talented leader uses optimism to motivate people and keep them engaged. She is realistic, flexible, and hopeful.

So, how can you be a more optimistic leader? Try these tips to lead with a flexible, realistic optimism:

Don’t take it personally: It’s ok NOT to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that some things are out of your control. If you do not believe in yourself, don’t expect others to follow.
Keep adversities in their place: When something bad happens, don’t let it affect other areas of your life. Dropping the ball on one project does not mean you are not a good leader.
This too shall pass: 99.9% of the bad things that happen are temporary. Set a good example for the people following you by showing them that you are ready for the next challenge by not dwelling on the past.

So, while most of life requires a realistic optimism, if you find yourself coaching an NFL team, make sure to the players, “We’re going to win by 20 points!”

Learn to Use Your Strengths In New Ways — Customized Recommendations From happier.com

Doug Hensch — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 13:03:31 +0000

Several years ago, I developed a workshop to help people discover their strengths and use them, effectively. The participants enjoyed the process of discovering their top strengths and talking with their fellow participants about how they may have used them in the past. They were usually surprised and excited by some of the strengths, as well.

But, there was almost universal difficulty in determining how they might use these strengths in new ways or apply them to their current roles. We have been trained to fix weaknesses. It’s easy for our manager to have us take a class on time management if we’re a little disorganized or read a book on empathy if we’re not reading the emotional signals of our colleagues, friends, or family.

happier.com has partnered with Dr. Tayyab Rashid to bring specific recommendations to our subscribers who complete the Use Your Strengths exercise. Our latest version of this powerful exercise gives you over 200 recommended activities from Dr. Rashid. In addition, happier.com sends you a short survey after you have been using your strength in a new way for at least one week to gauge the effectiveness of the activity. Over time, you build a prioritized library of activities to help you continue to build on your strengths.

So, what are you waiting for? Take the VIA Survey and get working on those strengths!

An Interview With Gretchen Rubin of The Happiness Project

Doug Hensch — Thu, 08 Oct 2009 12:01:01 +0000

You’ve probably heard of Gretchen Rubin. More than 60,000 people subscribe to her blog The Happiness Project and email newsletter, and the blog is carried on outlets including Slate, the Huffington Post and RealSimple.com. December, 2009 will bring the publication of her book, The Happiness Project, available for pre-order at a discount through the happier.com store.

In Gretchen’s words:

My happiness project has convinced me that it’s possible to be happier by taking small, concrete steps in your daily life. In my book and on this daily blog, I write about what I’ve learned as I’ve test-driven the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture. Plutarch, Samuel Johnson, Benjamin Franklin, St. Thérèse, the Dalai Lama, Oprah, Martin Seligman…I cover it all.

Doug, a member of the team at happier.com, recently asked Gretchen about her journey so far:

What initially made you interested in writing about happiness?

I was riding on a city bus on a rainy day, and I had a rare moment of reflection. “What do I want from life, anyway?” I thought. “I want to be happy.” But I realized I didn’t spend any time thinking about what it meant to be happy, or whether I was happy, or how I could be happier. At that moment I thought, “I should have a happiness project – and think about happiness, and make changes in my life, in a systematic way!” (I’m a former lawyer so that’s my way of approaching things.) I started my happiness project the next day. I didn’t immediately think about writing a book about it; that came later.

What would you say is the single easiest way for people to be happier at Work? Home? Social life?

Philosophers and scientists agree: probably THE key to happiness is having strong relationships with other people. Make time for the people in your life. Make some fun plans. Join or start a group. Help someone else. Call someone. Remember birthdays. Celebrate holidays. Get to know someone new. The more strong relationships you have, the more likely you are to describe yourself as very happy.

What is the most surprising thing that you have learned about happiness over your year with the happiness project?

I was surprised to discover the truth of the theory that “novelty and challenge bring happiness.” I thought that in my case, familiarity and mastery would bring more happiness. But to test that theory, I started a blog – a challenge that made me feel intimidated and insecure. And my blog has turned into a GIGANTIC source of happiness for me. So now I look for other ways to bring novelty and challenge into my life. It’s a taxing way to get happiness, but it’s worth it, because it yields such great bang for the buck.

Who are the happiest people that you have encountered?

What qualities did they have? Do you have any stories about people that immediately come to mind? That’s a great question. It’s really worth studying the people who seem very happy, because they have qualities that we can all emulate. They seem very kind. Kindness is a much-overlooked virtue, to my mind. They seem light-hearted – even if they aren’t playful (which they sometimes are, but not always), they can laugh at themselves and at tough situations. They are loving: they really listen, they go out of their way to help even when it’s not convenient, they think about other people’s needs.

But happy people come in different flavors. Some are goofy, some are serene, some are intense. It’s interesting, though, how attractive they are. When you’re around a really happy person, you want to be around that person MORE.

What often disguises itself as happiness, or a road to happiness, but is actually not?

I think people often give themselves a “treat” when they want a happiness boost – but all too often, the things we do to treat ourselves don’t make us happy in the long run. Having an extra glass of wine, eating ice cream out of the carton, having a cigarette, splurging on a new pair of shoes, leaving a big mess…these are things that feel like a treat but in the end, often make us feel worse. If you feel the urge to give yourself a treat, ask yourself, “Will this really make me happy, in the long run?” Try to find ways to treat yourself that don’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.

If you are feeling down, what can you do to give yourself a boost?

One of the quickest ways to give yourself a boost is to do something nice for someone else. Here’s a suggestion: become an organ donor! Sign the online registry and/or tell your family you want to be a donor. With that single quick act, you may save the life of five people one day! It’s huge! If you’re already an organ donor, try taking a ten-minute walk outside. It will boost your energy, heighten your alertness, and break up your day. Even better, take a friend with you.

Do you have a favorite happiness quote or metaphor?

Ah, I have so manyI I love quotations and have so many wonderful quotations. Here’s one: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson

Tuesday’s Tip – Be present

Doug Hensch — Tue, 29 Sep 2009 15:52:29 +0000

A typical exchange between my dad and I when I was growing up.

Me: “Dad, wanna play catch?”

Dad: “Sure.”

Then, my dad would get up out of “his” chair and roll me ground balls, pretend to be a catcher receiving my pitches from a make believe mound, or he would be a wide receiver on a made up football field moving his hands to different positions so that I could practice throwing the football to different targets. I don’t really remember if we talked much but I learned how to be present for my own kids.

I’m singling out my dad but both of my parents were ALWAYS there for us. Almost every night, we sat down for a family dinner. My mom would drop what she was doing to help with homework. My dad would watch the Yankees with me every night during the summer but he didn’t push back when I swore my allegiance to the Red Sox. I never felt unloved or that I couldn’t go to them with some big problem. When questionable circumstances presented themselves and I had a choice to go with the crowd or do the right thing, I almost always thought about how my parents would react if they found out. In the end, I chose wisely for most of my formative years.

Keep in mind that my parents were busy coaching sports, carting me and my sisters to various activities, and working long hours. But, they stopped what they were doing to talk to us, help us, or just be with us.

Flash forward 30 years and now we have wireless networks in our houses, Twitter, Facebook, Blackberries, iPhones, and way too many activities for our kids. We’re busier than ever but are we spending enough quality time with those we love? Is it quality time when we’re rushing from place to place with our kids and spouses? Are you truly present with someone else when you answer a question but your face is buried in your Blackberry?

The following are a couple of tips to improve and deepen the relationships you already have with those you care about the most:

Drop what you’re doing and give your full attention to those around you.
Avoid the temptation to answer your phone or read an email when talking with someone else.
When someone brings you good news, learn how to respond actively and constructively. Give them your full attention. Ask follow up questions and show genuine interest.

Shelly Gable’s research shows that how we discuss good events is is more predictive of strong relations than how you fight. It is also the basis for our Active & Constructive Responding exercise that teaches you how to respond to the good events of others and track your progress.

So, the next time your child says, “Wanna play catch?” or your significant other brings some good news to you, put down the iPod and be present.

Three tips for getting the most out of happier.com

Doug Hensch — Mon, 28 Sep 2009 13:30:35 +0000

happier.com has come a long way in a short time. We now have nine exercises, four tests, over 100 videos, an informative blog, and five happiness plans that recommend specific activities based on a goal that you select. So, where do you start? How can you get the most out of your subscription?

Here are three tips to help you navigate your way through happier.com and use the tips, tools, and advice effectively:

Attend a free webinar: Each week, hundreds of people sign up to hear more about happier.com. The event is live and facilitated by members of the happier.com team. There is no cost and no plug-in required. We walk you through the site and answer all your questions.
Pick a goal: Once you have a subscription, happier.com can recommend specific exercises and tests based on your personal goals. You can change your goal at any time and always have access to all the tools and content on happier.com with your subscription.
Make it a habit: The good news is that many of the exercises produce immediate benefits. People report feeling better right after finishing the exercises and for some time after that. But, to create lasting, positive change, regular use of the activities is highly recommended. Just set aside 5-10 minutes a day for happier.com and you’ll see results!

Hope to see you on the next webinar!

Doug

What makes people happy? Some feedback from our users

Doug Hensch — Fri, 25 Sep 2009 15:17:54 +0000

We like to ask questions. And, we found out that our community of users likes to answer them! We’re not talking about happiness or optimism tests. We’ve asked you some questions about how happiness and resilience work in the real world and here is what you said…

Question: Do you think you can increase your happiness?

Yes – 86%
No – 6%
Not sure – 8%

Question: Watching the news on TV makes me…

happier – 3%
less happy – 32%
no effect – 19%
depressed – 46%

Question: I am happier when I am…

by myself – 39%
with other people – 61%

Question: Which of the following would make you happier?

winning the lottery – 47%
having children – 11%
getting married – 24%
your favorite team wins the championship – 2%
living in your dream house – 16%

Question: Which of the following provides you with the most meaning and purpose in your life?

work – 18%
doing charity – 8%
kids – 27%
religion – 16%
other – 31%

A few notes: These data were collected through polls placed on the front page of happier.com. They are not a scientific representative sample. But we think they’re fun.

Let us know if there is a question you would like us to ask. Just leave a comment below.

Tuesday’s Tip – Stop using your strengths

Doug Hensch — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 14:59:40 +0000

Several years ago I had a Vice President who was full of energy and optimism. He was also very kind and had an “open door” policy where he was more than willing to chat with any one of the several hundred employees in his group about anything. In fact, you could talk to him about anything and he always seemed to have time for you.

I don’t know if he ever took the VIA Survey, but I would guess that some of his top strengths were:

Hope, optimism, and future-mindedness
Creativity, ingenuity, and originality
Forgiveness and mercy
Curiosity and interest in the world

In fact, he knew his strengths and he used them often – unfortunately, too often. And, while he was a very likeable person, he was a pretty ineffective leader. He consistently did not acknowledge risks or issues. He loved creative ideas but was easily bored with operational issues. He rarely fired anyone for poor performance. In addition, he really didn’t know how to adapt to situations. He continued to use his top strengths even when he wasn’t getting results. His organization eventually fell into disarray.

In recent years, we have heard the experts tell us to use our strengths. And, Robert Biswas-Diener wrote a great post about using our strengths in the ‘right’ situations. But, how do we know when we’re over-using a strength?

Unfortunately, I think over-used strengths usually represent a blind spot. That is, they’re difficult to recognize. Remember, using a strength usually feels good. We are engaged when we are doing something that we’re good at and we frequently go into a state of flow where time stands still. This can lead to situations where we lose our self-awareness.

Try these two strategies to examine the use of your own strengths:

Look at situations where your initial thoughts were that you performed at a high level but the results did not follow. Did you misjudge the reactions of others? Did you miss some cues? List your top strengths and see if any of them actually contributed to the poor outcome.
Ask for some feedback from people who know you well AND are not afraid to tell you the truth (that second part is VERY important). Take the VIA Survey to identify your top strengths. Share this list with your friend(s) and ask if you rely on these too much.

In the end, don’t abandon your strengths. The research shows that use of your strengths can lead to lasting happiness. Just try to exercise a little more self-awareness and consider the situation.

Tuesday’s Tip – Learn how to give up

Doug Hensch — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 12:06:03 +0000

Last weekend, I decided to teach my kids how to ride their bikes. So, we went out to the garage, took off the training wheels and put on our helmets. Before we started, though, I told both boys, “Just remember, when you feel yourself starting to fall, pedal harder!”

As millions of moms and dads have done before me, I gave the boys some other words of encouragement, put them on the bikes, and held the seat for balance until they were up and running. Then, at the top of my lungs, I yelled, “Pedal harder! You can do it!”

Within seconds, my oldest son decided to ignore my advice and he crashed. No broken bones. No bruises, no scrapes. I ran to him and said, “Nice work! You went about 30 yards all by yourself. Now, bounce back up and let’s try, again.”

For any of you who have taught your kids how to ride a bike, you probably already realized that I repeated this sequence at least a dozen times over the course of that morning. Every time each one of them fell, in a very positive way, I told them to try, again. After a quick break for lunch, the boys were back on their bikes and riding around like pros.

If I had to do it all over, again, I probably wouldn’t change a thing that I said or did (except to have someone else hold the video camera!). While encouraging my sons to keep trying was a good thing, in this case, there are going to be challenges in my sons’ lives where the best decision is to stop trying and give up.

One of the most important lessons that I learned from The Resilience Factor was the idea that resilient people actually do give up. They have the ability to understand that further attempts are not going to change the results of a situation. Resilient people develop a “flexible optimism” that allows them to put their energy, efforts, and resources into the areas of their lives where they stand to gain the most. They look at failing as just another opportunity to learn more about themselves. They then apply this to future situations.

Unfortunately, I do not believe there is a formula that tells you when to give up, but here are some questions you might want to consider if you get the sense that it might be time to move on:

What resources, experience, or qualities are acquired to achieve this goal?
Of these resources, experience, and qualities, what am I missing?
Can I obtain these?
What is the cost in terms of money, time, effort, etc. to obtain these?
What are my options if I decide not to pursue this goal?

So, when you find someone telling you to just “pedal harder” don’t be afraid to give up and learn.