Last Saturday was my son’s last tee ball game, this season. As is the case in tee ball, young kids make lots of mistakes and young, well-meaning parents like to give lots of advice to their 5-year old sons and daughters. At one point in the game, a ground ball rolled through one little boy’s legs, and several parents shouted, “Come on – you have to catch the ball.”
“Well,” I thought to myself, “That’s exactly what he wanted to do!” This little boy needed to be told:
- Keep your glove down
- Put your free hand on top of your glove
- Spread your feet
- Bend your knees
- And, by the way, nice try!
I feel the same way when someone tells me to just “stay positive.” Being optimistic does not come naturally for a great deal of people (including me!). I’m a born pessimist. For the last couple of years, I have practiced several specific techniques to beat back my natural inclination to be pessimistic. The following three exercises have helped me develop what Dr. Martin Seligman refers to as a “flexible optimism” to help me cope with life’s adversities.
- ABCDE: An oldie but a goodie! Dr. Seligman writes about this in Learned Optimism and it may not be new to many of you, but it has become a trusted friend to me. Check out an older post of mine that explains this in detail. Or, try the Control Negative Thoughts exercise on happier.com.
- Put It In Perspective: This is a simple exercise that I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor. If you are the type of person who overreacts to adversity, this exercise is for you. When something bad happens and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to write down the following. First, articulate the worst case scenario – indulge your pessimism, for a moment. Then, jot down the best case scenario. Be a little silly. For instance, if you find out that you did not get the job that you really wanted, you might write down that you start your own company, become independently wealthy, and give lectures about your successful career for a living! This is not meant to be seen as a realistic scenario. Introducing a little humor opens your mind to other possibilities. Next, write down the most realistic outcomes of the adversity and try to problem solve for the most likely outcomes.
- An Optimism Journal: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, shares that people who write about an optimistic future for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days were “more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods, to be happier several weeks later, and even to report fewer physical ailments several months hence.”
So, the next time someone close to you is having a bad day, try to avoid saying, “Just be positive” and give some specific advice. You just might be talking to a pessimist.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
“Doug, I want you to plan an event for our salespeople,” said our VP of Sales. “And, we’re holding it in two weeks, so you should probably get to work. What questions do you have for me?,” he finished.
I had no questions because all I could think about was failing and being humiliated. I had other responsibilities that I could not drop and I had never done something like this before.
There were two choices before me: 1) quit and look for a new job (remember, I’m a pessimist, at heart 
, 2) give it my best effort. I chose #2 and it is one of my favorite professional achievements, for two reasons.
First, I didn’t give up and I overcame my fear of failure. In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar writes, “Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them has a greater long-term effect on our self-esteem than winning or losing, failing or succeeding.” So, just by trying, I felt better about myself. I realized that I was able to handle big challenges and I felt more confident about whatever the next big challenge would be.
Second, I actually enjoyed the process. Yes, it was stressful, but I engaged all my strengths and experienced moments of “flow” where time stood still and my performance was at its highest levels. More importantly, I realized that even if I had failed, it was the journey that counted. I met new people in my company, learned a great deal about our offerings, and developed new skills. Even if I had failed, it would have been a worthwhile experience.
Now, think about a goal that you have considered in the past but decided NOT to pursue for fear of failure. Make a commitment to pursue this goal but be more mindful about the journey. Don’t worry about failing. Along the way, reflect about the lessons you learn.
One of my closest friends played professional football for one of the best teams in the NFL during the early 1990’s. The team had talented players, a good front office, and excellent coaches. They believed they would win every game they played.
At the beginning of his sixth season, my friend was picked up by another team. He was impressed by the front office and the players on this new team. He missed his old teammates but he was excited for a new beginning in a new city. His new team was scheduled to play the San Francisco 49ers – a perennial powerhouse. At my friend’s first team meeting, the head coach walked into the team’s film room, turned to the team, paused for a second, then said, “I think we can stay with these guys…”
“Stay with these guys?” my buddy recounted to me. “I wanted to hear him say that we were going to win by 20 points!” he continued.
Sports are different, in many ways, from other aspects of our lives but I still believe the key ingredient in any successful leader is optimism. Why would you ever want to follow someone who didn’t truly believe in a better tomorrow?
The optimistic leader is better equipped to handle adversity. She sees obstacles and issues as challenges to be overcome, not a permanent setback. A truly talented leader uses optimism to motivate people and keep them engaged. She is realistic, flexible, and hopeful.
So, how can you be a more optimistic leader? Try these tips to lead with a flexible, realistic optimism:
- Don’t take it personally: It’s ok NOT to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that some things are out of your control. If you do not believe in yourself, don’t expect others to follow.
- Keep adversities in their place: When something bad happens, don’t let it affect other areas of your life. Dropping the ball on one project does not mean you are not a good leader.
- This too shall pass: 99.9% of the bad things that happen are temporary. Set a good example for the people following you by showing them that you are ready for the next challenge by not dwelling on the past.
So, while most of life requires a realistic optimism, if you find yourself coaching an NFL team, make sure to the players, “We’re going to win by 20 points!”
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
Several years ago, I developed a workshop to help people discover their strengths and use them, effectively. The participants enjoyed the process of discovering their top strengths and talking with their fellow participants about how they may have used them in the past. They were usually surprised and excited by some of the strengths, as well.
But, there was almost universal difficulty in determining how they might use these strengths in new ways or apply them to their current roles. We have been trained to fix weaknesses. It’s easy for our manager to have us take a class on time management if we’re a little disorganized or read a book on empathy if we’re not reading the emotional signals of our colleagues, friends, or family.
happier.com has partnered with Dr. Tayyab Rashid to bring specific recommendations to our subscribers who complete the Use Your Strengths exercise. Our latest version of this powerful exercise gives you over 200 recommended activities from Dr. Rashid. In addition, happier.com sends you a short survey after you have been using your strength in a new way for at least one week to gauge the effectiveness of the activity. Over time, you build a prioritized library of activities to help you continue to build on your strengths.
So, what are you waiting for? Take the VIA Survey and get working on those strengths!
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
You’ve probably heard of Gretchen Rubin. More than 60,000 people subscribe to her blog The Happiness Project and email newsletter, and the blog is carried on outlets including Slate, the Huffington Post and RealSimple.com. December, 2009 will bring the publication of her book, The Happiness Project, available for pre-order at a discount through the happier.com store.
In Gretchen’s words:
My happiness project has convinced me that it’s possible to be happier by taking small, concrete steps in your daily life. In my book and on this daily blog, I write about what I’ve learned as I’ve test-driven the wisdom of the ages, the current scientific studies, and the lessons from popular culture. Plutarch, Samuel Johnson, Benjamin Franklin, St. Thérèse, the Dalai Lama, Oprah, Martin Seligman…I cover it all.
Doug, a member of the team at happier.com, recently asked Gretchen about her journey so far:
What initially made you interested in writing about happiness?
I was riding on a city bus on a rainy day, and I had a rare moment of reflection. “What do I want from life, anyway?” I thought. “I want to be happy.” But I realized I didn’t spend any time thinking about what it meant to be happy, or whether I was happy, or how I could be happier. At that moment I thought, “I should have a happiness project – and think about happiness, and make changes in my life, in a systematic way!” (I’m a former lawyer so that’s my way of approaching things.) I started my happiness project the next day. I didn’t immediately think about writing a book about it; that came later.
What would you say is the single easiest way for people to be happier at Work? Home? Social life?
Philosophers and scientists agree: probably THE key to happiness is having strong relationships with other people. Make time for the people in your life. Make some fun plans. Join or start a group. Help someone else. Call someone. Remember birthdays. Celebrate holidays. Get to know someone new. The more strong relationships you have, the more likely you are to describe yourself as very happy.
What is the most surprising thing that you have learned about happiness over your year with the happiness project?
I was surprised to discover the truth of the theory that “novelty and challenge bring happiness.” I thought that in my case, familiarity and mastery would bring more happiness. But to test that theory, I started a blog – a challenge that made me feel intimidated and insecure. And my blog has turned into a GIGANTIC source of happiness for me. So now I look for other ways to bring novelty and challenge into my life. It’s a taxing way to get happiness, but it’s worth it, because it yields such great bang for the buck.
Who are the happiest people that you have encountered?
What qualities did they have? Do you have any stories about people that immediately come to mind? That’s a great question. It’s really worth studying the people who seem very happy, because they have qualities that we can all emulate. They seem very kind. Kindness is a much-overlooked virtue, to my mind. They seem light-hearted – even if they aren’t playful (which they sometimes are, but not always), they can laugh at themselves and at tough situations. They are loving: they really listen, they go out of their way to help even when it’s not convenient, they think about other people’s needs.
But happy people come in different flavors. Some are goofy, some are serene, some are intense. It’s interesting, though, how attractive they are. When you’re around a really happy person, you want to be around that person MORE.
What often disguises itself as happiness, or a road to happiness, but is actually not?
I think people often give themselves a “treat” when they want a happiness boost – but all too often, the things we do to treat ourselves don’t make us happy in the long run. Having an extra glass of wine, eating ice cream out of the carton, having a cigarette, splurging on a new pair of shoes, leaving a big mess…these are things that feel like a treat but in the end, often make us feel worse. If you feel the urge to give yourself a treat, ask yourself, “Will this really make me happy, in the long run?” Try to find ways to treat yourself that don’t leave a bad taste in your mouth.
If you are feeling down, what can you do to give yourself a boost?
One of the quickest ways to give yourself a boost is to do something nice for someone else. Here’s a suggestion: become an organ donor! Sign the online registry and/or tell your family you want to be a donor. With that single quick act, you may save the life of five people one day! It’s huge! If you’re already an organ donor, try taking a ten-minute walk outside. It will boost your energy, heighten your alertness, and break up your day. Even better, take a friend with you.
Do you have a favorite happiness quote or metaphor?
Ah, I have so manyI I love quotations and have so many wonderful quotations. Here’s one: “There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy.” Robert Louis Stevenson
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
