Several years ago, I began to pursue a Master’s degree online. Up until this point, all of my formal education had come as a result of being in a classroom, reading books, taking tests, and writing papers. Now, I would have no contact with other people. I would learn from reading books and articles in PDF format. Lectures were posted in the electronic classroom and responses were required to be a minimum of three sentences long with at least one citation. It was a difficult transition to this new form of learning but one day, I discovered something that made it a lot more enjoyable and effective: I talked to friends and family about my experiences. I told them about what I was learning, how I hoped to use it in my professional life, what I disagreed with, and how others might benefit from this content.
And, I believe, so it goes with your efforts to increase your happiness and resilience. I don’t believe it’s absolutely necessary to share your intimate thoughts or beliefs with others. But, sharing can help boost your efforts and help others in the process. Just try the following tips the next time you do Three Good Things or What Door Opened (or any exercise or test, for that matter):
- Teach: Take a minute to teach the other person the step-by-step process involved with the exercise or test. Help her understand why the exercise works and how it might benefit her. Offer some suggestions for making it a part of her routine or even some variations on how to keep it interesting on a regular basis.
- Tell: Share your experiences doing the exercise or what you learned from a particular test. Tell your friend or family member why you continue to use the tools and what you specifically learned from them.
- Do: This one’s pretty simple…continue to do the exercises and take the tests on a regular basis. Pick 2-4 four exercises that you can do frequently and make it a ritual. And, select a test to complete once a week or every couple of weeks to gauge your progress.
If you’re like me, increasing your happiness and resilience actually takes a bit of work. But if you can transform your efforts into a ritual and follow the Teach, Tell, Do philosophy, it can be quite engaging and enjoyable.
I love Christmas. I love Christmas songs, TV specials (especially the one with Heat Miser!), and the spiritual aspect of it, as well. What I don’t like about this holiday is what we have made out of it. I think I saw a Christmas tree in a warehouse club store in the first week of September. Besides the over-commercialization of the holiday, it made me realize that we seemed to have forgotten about Thanksgiving.
This Thursday, we have a chance to express our gratitude – and, we get to do with loved ones. So, if you’re reading this blog, you also have a chance to teach people about the science behind gratitude and its effect on happiness. Here are a couple of ideas to consider.
- Keep a gratitude journal: It is widely accepted that writing down Three Good Things and their causes every day leads to higher levels of happiness and less symptoms of stress, anxiety, and depression. But, what if you kept a family journal? Try going around the table this Thanksgiving and ask each person to tell what he/she is grateful for and jot it down in a journal. Keep the journal available for everyone and bring it out every Thanksgiving. You may also want to start this tradition every day at the dinner table…
- Teach the gift of gratitude: Pick a family member or friend that will be joining you for Thanksgiving and tell him or her about the things for which you are grateful. Then, tell him or her about the Three Good Things exercise. Teaching is a powerful tool and a wonderful gift.
- Read a gratitude letter: …to your entire family! If you have ever done this exercise where you read a letter to someone that you have not properly thanked, you know the power of gratitude in relationships. Now, try reading the letter to everyone who will be attending dinner. Tell them how you are thankful for something they did for you or something that you witnessed.
- Recall the bad: Everyone experiences adversity – some of us more than others. Dr. Robert Emmons (author of Thanks! How the new science of gratitude can make you happier) writes that it is helpful to remember the ‘bad times.’ The first benefit is that this helps us recognize the ‘good’ in our current lives. The second benefit is that we can begin to practice counterfactual thinking – “mental comparisons we make between the way things are and how things might have been.” Counterfactual thinking can help us recognize just how much worse life could have been. Make it part of the conversation.
So, don’t be afraid to put off your Christmas shopping or watching the “The Year without a Santa Claus” for just a couple more days. Make gratitude a habit and don’t be afraid to share it with your loved ones.
Last Saturday was my son’s last tee ball game, this season. As is the case in tee ball, young kids make lots of mistakes and young, well-meaning parents like to give lots of advice to their 5-year old sons and daughters. At one point in the game, a ground ball rolled through one little boy’s legs, and several parents shouted, “Come on – you have to catch the ball.”
“Well,” I thought to myself, “That’s exactly what he wanted to do!” This little boy needed to be told:
- Keep your glove down
- Put your free hand on top of your glove
- Spread your feet
- Bend your knees
- And, by the way, nice try!
I feel the same way when someone tells me to just “stay positive.” Being optimistic does not come naturally for a great deal of people (including me!). I’m a born pessimist. For the last couple of years, I have practiced several specific techniques to beat back my natural inclination to be pessimistic. The following three exercises have helped me develop what Dr. Martin Seligman refers to as a “flexible optimism” to help me cope with life’s adversities.
- ABCDE: An oldie but a goodie! Dr. Seligman writes about this in Learned Optimism and it may not be new to many of you, but it has become a trusted friend to me. Check out an older post of mine that explains this in detail. Or, try the Control Negative Thoughts exercise on happier.com.
- Put It In Perspective: This is a simple exercise that I learned from Dr. Karen Reivich and Dr. Andrew Shatte, authors of The Resilience Factor. If you are the type of person who overreacts to adversity, this exercise is for you. When something bad happens and you are feeling overwhelmed, take a minute to write down the following. First, articulate the worst case scenario – indulge your pessimism, for a moment. Then, jot down the best case scenario. Be a little silly. For instance, if you find out that you did not get the job that you really wanted, you might write down that you start your own company, become independently wealthy, and give lectures about your successful career for a living! This is not meant to be seen as a realistic scenario. Introducing a little humor opens your mind to other possibilities. Next, write down the most realistic outcomes of the adversity and try to problem solve for the most likely outcomes.
- An Optimism Journal: Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of The How of Happiness, shares that people who write about an optimistic future for 20 minutes a day for four consecutive days were “more likely to show immediate increases in positive moods, to be happier several weeks later, and even to report fewer physical ailments several months hence.”
So, the next time someone close to you is having a bad day, try to avoid saying, “Just be positive” and give some specific advice. You just might be talking to a pessimist.
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
“Doug, I want you to plan an event for our salespeople,” said our VP of Sales. “And, we’re holding it in two weeks, so you should probably get to work. What questions do you have for me?,” he finished.
I had no questions because all I could think about was failing and being humiliated. I had other responsibilities that I could not drop and I had never done something like this before.
There were two choices before me: 1) quit and look for a new job (remember, I’m a pessimist, at heart 
, 2) give it my best effort. I chose #2 and it is one of my favorite professional achievements, for two reasons.
First, I didn’t give up and I overcame my fear of failure. In The Pursuit of Perfect, Tal Ben-Shahar writes, “Taking on challenges instead of avoiding them has a greater long-term effect on our self-esteem than winning or losing, failing or succeeding.” So, just by trying, I felt better about myself. I realized that I was able to handle big challenges and I felt more confident about whatever the next big challenge would be.
Second, I actually enjoyed the process. Yes, it was stressful, but I engaged all my strengths and experienced moments of “flow” where time stood still and my performance was at its highest levels. More importantly, I realized that even if I had failed, it was the journey that counted. I met new people in my company, learned a great deal about our offerings, and developed new skills. Even if I had failed, it would have been a worthwhile experience.
Now, think about a goal that you have considered in the past but decided NOT to pursue for fear of failure. Make a commitment to pursue this goal but be more mindful about the journey. Don’t worry about failing. Along the way, reflect about the lessons you learn.
One of my closest friends played professional football for one of the best teams in the NFL during the early 1990’s. The team had talented players, a good front office, and excellent coaches. They believed they would win every game they played.
At the beginning of his sixth season, my friend was picked up by another team. He was impressed by the front office and the players on this new team. He missed his old teammates but he was excited for a new beginning in a new city. His new team was scheduled to play the San Francisco 49ers – a perennial powerhouse. At my friend’s first team meeting, the head coach walked into the team’s film room, turned to the team, paused for a second, then said, “I think we can stay with these guys…”
“Stay with these guys?” my buddy recounted to me. “I wanted to hear him say that we were going to win by 20 points!” he continued.
Sports are different, in many ways, from other aspects of our lives but I still believe the key ingredient in any successful leader is optimism. Why would you ever want to follow someone who didn’t truly believe in a better tomorrow?
The optimistic leader is better equipped to handle adversity. She sees obstacles and issues as challenges to be overcome, not a permanent setback. A truly talented leader uses optimism to motivate people and keep them engaged. She is realistic, flexible, and hopeful.
So, how can you be a more optimistic leader? Try these tips to lead with a flexible, realistic optimism:
- Don’t take it personally: It’s ok NOT to blame yourself for everything that goes wrong. It’s ok to acknowledge the fact that some things are out of your control. If you do not believe in yourself, don’t expect others to follow.
- Keep adversities in their place: When something bad happens, don’t let it affect other areas of your life. Dropping the ball on one project does not mean you are not a good leader.
- This too shall pass: 99.9% of the bad things that happen are temporary. Set a good example for the people following you by showing them that you are ready for the next challenge by not dwelling on the past.
So, while most of life requires a realistic optimism, if you find yourself coaching an NFL team, make sure to the players, “We’re going to win by 20 points!”
happier.com is a personal trainer for your happiness. With more than a dozen tools and tests to help you measure, track and improve your happiness, you can trust the happier.com experts to help you reach your goals. Exclusive videos and a popular blog mean there’s something new to learn every day. Download the free iPhone application or find what you’re looking for with the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory. happier.com is on Facebook, LinkedIn, and twitter and has meetup groups in Washington, Philadelphia, and Portland, with more planned. Click here for a social media press release from our launch.
