Dr. Martin Seligman said something recently that really spoke to me on a very personal level. At a conference in Philadelphia, he asked the audience, “What do you want for your kids?” He paused, then asked, “What do they teach your kids in school?” Dr. Seligman went on to say that when he asks this question he usually has parents who answer the first question with, “I want my kids to be happy” while the second question is met with some silence as we know that happiness and well being are not yet parts of the formal classwork, in most cases.

As a father of two little boys, I spent some time thinking about how I would go about helping my kids be happier. Last week, I wrote about teaching them the basics of gratitude, but gratitude is only one element of happiness. And, at their ages (four and five), they are not yet ready to use the exercises on happier.com or even the children’s version of the VIA Survey to identify their strengths. I wasn’t sure where to start…

I then recalled a conversation with Dr. Karen Reivich (one of the top researchers and practitioners in building optimism and resilience in kids) from several months ago. We were talking about my one son’s temperament and his propensity to get a little down on himself, at times. Because of his age, she mentioned that my best bet was to model the right behavior. Since the research shows a strong correlation between a parent’s optimism or pessimism and that of the child (whether it be a boy or a girl), this sounded like a great idea.

Now, when I play catch with my one son, I will  intentionally drop a ball he throws and simply pick it up and throw it back. If we are drawing pictures, I make many mistakes (not all of them intentionally) and just erase them and start over. Occasionally, I ask him what I should do when something bad happens and he’ll answer, “Why don’t you try, again?” Slowly, but surely, I have seen a little bit of a positive change in his behavior after he makes mistakes. He is still very competitive and I don’t expect (or want) him to completely change, but I have seen a little improvement in a relatively short time period.

Just recently, we got a chance to see our favorite baseball team (the Boston Red Sox) play in person. My son’s favorite player struck out and I asked my son what the player should do next. He said, “He needs to try harder, next time.” So, the next time you make a mistake in front of your kids, remember that they’re learning how to cope with adversity from their role model – you.

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