Tuesday’s Tip – Teach Your Kids to Be Grateful
According to the VIA Survey, gratitude is my top strength. Anyone that knows me at all is used to the “thank you” at the end of a conversation or an email from me. Even as a kid, I was very aware of the many good things in my life. My mom would laugh at me and say, “You don’t have to thank me for (fill in the blank)!” But, it’s almost as if I couldn’t help myself. Saying “thank you” just felt natural.
It wasn’t until I read Martin Seligman’s Learned Optimism, however, that I began practicing gratitude by writing down three good things and their causes every day. On many occasions, this incredibly simple exercise has helped me put a difficult day in perspective or savor a really good day.
About two years ago, I started practicing gratitude with my kids as my wife and I put them to bed. Since both boys are pretty young (four and five), they need some help with this exercise. So, I simply ask them what good things happened that day. (To mix it up, sometimes I ask them just to tell me about the best thing that happened that day or I list the good things and let them listen.) My four year-old loves this. He smiles. He lists more than three things, and he generally gives it some genuine thought.
My five year-old, on the other hand, doesn’t seem to like the routine of listing good things. “Daddy, stop talking. I just want to go to sleep,” he has been known to say after I finish reading a book about Scooby-Doo or Bat Man. A little tickling is all I usually need to get him to tell me just one good thing.
Just last night, it was my turn to put our five year-old to bed. Once again, I read him a short book where Bat Man caught Two Face and saved Gotham City. We were both pretty tired from a six and one-half hour trip from New Jersey visiting my parents, so I kissed him on the head after reading the book, told him I loved him, and started walking out of his room. Much to my surprise, he said, “Dad, what about the good things?” I almost fell over. I turned the light on, sat on the bed next to him, and asked him about the best thing that happened that day. Was it playing with his friends? What about swimming in the pool? How about using my iPod? Nope. “Dad, being with Gams was my favorite,” he said.
Needless to say, I was blown away by the fact that he wanted to do the exercise and his reference to spending time with his grandmother. I think there are several lessons here. First, I do believe that gratitude can be learned and practiced, even at early ages. Second, our kids are listening and learning, even when we think they’re not. Finally, kids can actually learn to value meaningful activities (eg; time with his grandmother) over pleasurable but fleeting activities (eg; playing with an iPod).
By the way, thanks for a great weekend, Mom 
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Hi Doug,
This is touching…I’ll have to try this with my kids.
Jaime
PS Make sure you see the movie, “UP” — you will be grateful!!
Jaime – Thanks for your note. I appreciate the positive feedback. I haven’t seen the movie, yet, but I will definitely make the effort to do so. Thanks!
dh
Doug,
Great story…wonderful reminder. Am thinking of how to incorporate something around gratitude at Mecca. Maybe a gratitude wall that people can write on. Thanks for the inspiration, my friend.
Lisa
Lisa – Glad you liked it. As for a gratitude wall, I think it’s a great idea.
Check out the following site – it may give you some ideas: http://hopeisinthecards.org/
dh
Doug, I’m not sure if you’ve sen the research that suggests that gratitude is more effective for women than men – it can decrease levels of weelbing in men. See http://www.innate-intelligence.com.au/blog/?p=472
I guess the question is can it be learned – which is probably what you are doing with your kids? Or is it a personality trait?
Wayne – I had not seen that research but did read the article. Keep in mind that it was a very specific set of circumstances that triggered the higher negativity in men. I believe there are several things to consider when looking at gratitude. First, dozens of studies have shown that practicing gratitude leads to higher levels of happiness and positivity. Second, I think the regular practice of being grateful for multiple events is important. Yes, we may end up feeling guilty or even indebted for gifts but the regular practice of scanning your day for meaningful things will make this practice a ‘net’ positive exercise.
Doug, I think Sonja Lyubomirsky describes is best with her fit model (or whatever she calls it). Gratitude works for some people – not everyone. I suspect if gratitude is a strength (as it is in your case) then it will be powerful. Howvever we have to be careful extrapolating what works for ourselves onto everyone.
Wayne – Good point. We’re moving towards a model like Sonja’s that creates a better fit for people and exercises. In the mean time, we created these exercises to be used in just a couple of minutes. So, our initial thoughts are that people should try them and stay with the ones that are powerful.
Good point, Thank you!
- Steven Burda
http://www.linkedin.com/in/burda
[...] two little boys, I spent some time thinking about how I would go about helping my kids be happier. Last week, I wrote about teaching them the basics of gratitude, but gratitude is only one element of [...]
A well researched site, I’ll link to it from my site thanks
Hi – Thanks for your kind words and for the link! Much appreciated
dh