Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner addresses common questions about the happier.com exercise Letting Go of Grudges.

If I am holding a grudge against someone, isn’t letting go of the grudge is  the same as excusing the other person’s misbehavior?

A common misperception touted by grudge-holders far and wide is that grudges are somehow  functional. Maybe they prevent you from making the same mistakes in the future, or they punish the other person for whatever transgression they have  committed.

The reality couldn’t be farther from the truth: the only person a grudge  punishes is you. The research suggests that holding a grudge has all sorts of negative effects on both your physical and emotional health. The  transgressor, on the other hand, isn’t going to know either way whether or not you have forgiven her. In fact, sometimes, transgressors don’t even know  you’re holding a grudge in the first place! The feeling that a grudge is something that exists between two people is an illusion – a grudge is an internal process, experienced only by you.

Furthermore, despite the old adage “forgive and forget,” forgiveness does not necessarily mean forgetting. There is a huge difference between forgetting a transgression and taking control of your feelings about that transgression! Nobody’s telling you to forget – only to let go of the bottled-up emotions you’re holding onto.

Despite whatever our intuitions might tell us, there is no evidence that holding a grudge is helpful. It’s harmful, and not to the transgressor – to you! Try out “Letting Go of Grudges” and see what happens. You have nothing to lose… except your grudge.

Dr. Acacia Parks-Sheiner is an instructor in positive psychology, a researcher and a member of the Positive Psychology Practitioner Directory.  Dr. Parks-Sheiner has taught a variety of classes on how to use positive psychology interventions, and she often gets questions from students and clients about what will work best for them.

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